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The Manliest Manly Man

Submitted by Maya Burkenroad on March 2, 2011 – 6:59 amComments

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I’m sure you have met him.  In fact I can almost guarantee it. He was probably wearing a blazer.  He also probably winked at you when you walked in.  Twice.  Yep, I’m talking about that “pretentious, thinks he is so manly it hurts” guy. You will be happy to end your evening in your hotel room ALONE at 4 in the morning, with a burrito on the nightstand.

This is a guy who starts by trying to impress you, without even talking to you. He will speak to someone around you, at a decibel that he is sure you will hear.  He will say things like, “Well since I’m in BUSINESS,” and “Yep, I’ll be a millionaire in the next 5 years.”

Not in that shirt you won’t.

He doesn’t ask you very many questions about yourself.  And he is probably a Leo.  He will ask you if you like to dance.  When you say, not really, even though you actually do, he will say something like, “What?!  Who doesn’t like to get funky??”

Uhh, me?

He won’t buy you a drink until he is convinced that you are interested in him.  Which you are not.  But you may be feeling somewhat bored with your evening, and he is fun to observe.   He will have  several drinks.   When he finally decides the time is right, he will buy you one.  But he won’t ask what you are drinking.  He’ll just get two of what he likes.  Then, he might tell you to sign the bill for him.  Which you do begrudgingly.  “Tip her well,” he’ll whisper.

“Kill me,” you will think to yourself.

He might then ask if you “want to get out of here.”  You might say, “and go where?” He will say “my place…”  And you will say “No.”  He will not give up.

He will speak of his travels around the world in the most obnoxious way possible.  He will also discuss current political issues that you have no interest in whatsoever, and he will make sure you notice the NPR application on his iphone.

If it’s cold outside, he will tell you to grab his arm.  But he will not offer you his coat.  He will also attempt to give you a walking tour of your surroundings in an attempt to lure you into a corner and steal a kiss.  It will probably be fucking cold, and you would rather skip this field trip.

If you attempt to use your phone for emergency texts to friends such as “I need you, please save me,” or “please call and say something terrible has happened,” He might take your phone and tell you that you don’t need it while you are with him.  Oh, if you only knew bro, if you only knew.

If you share a cab, he may complain the whole way over, or try to make showy conversation with the cab driver. You will instantly know he does not actually care where the driver is from, or how old his kids are.  He will also get out first, and he will most likely not hold the door open for you.  When the cab driver asks for his fare, he will happily say “She’s got it!”

This is when you should leave.  Well actually you should have left a long time ago, but there is no better time than the present.  If you meet this guy, don’t waste your time.  You could be somewhere else meeting someone else who is far better.  It may not be this entertaining, but at least you won’t be forced to end your evening alone…


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  • Robert

    Your not alone in your experiences, I was a panelist on a TV program discussing why there weren't any real men left in Atlanta, except for me. Since then I've worked with community centers and churches to teach young boys how to be gentlemen. But I am trying to make a profound change in this world.

    Robert Tracy

  • Passer-by

    Shockingly specific. Let me guess, you slept with him and are regretting it now?

  • Mayaburkenroad

    Oh no - I made sure to avoid that misstep! Wanted to caution others who meet him or others like him though ;)

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