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Eternal nothingness is okay if you’re dressed for it

Submitted by Maya Burkenroad on June 8, 2011 – 5:58 amComments

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What you ask, is the plight of the aspiring actress and the soccer mom alike?

Will I be fucking late for yoga.

If they did some statistics on the number of accidents in Los Angeles caused by diet coke drinking, spandex wearing, downward doggy doing females, how many would register? - I can just see the bespectacled number cruncher, adding another to the count  - “yep, she was on her way to yoga…”

As the girl in the Toyota  in front of me cuts me off at the 5th street exit, I momentarily consider releasing all of the the expletives I am thinking.  And then I  imagine walking into yoga and seeing her next to me on a pink flowered mat.   Uhh…. Namaste to you too…

I look around the room and see approximately 10 shirts that scream; everyone-definitely thinks-I-do-yoga-now-even-if-i-just-wear-this-outfit-to-the-gym.  I see approximately 21 people with 4% body fat.  I see 24 people wearing Lulu Lemon pants.  I remember walking into the Lulu Lemon store and asking myself if I can really justify spending ninety-eight dollars (plus tax) on these elastic black pants.   They promise to make your ass look great.  But is that really the point of yoga?  How others see you?

I was under the impression that the challenge is to see into yourself, and straight ahead at the same time.

If you did a calculation of the importance of clothing in a yoga class, I imagine it would go something like this - Based on the ratio of how hot your teacher is, to how often you bend over, plus the volume of sweat soaking through your shirt, add in moaning/ heavy breathing multiplied by how much positive energy you release… what I am saying is that clothes seem a bit of an aside.    Ok maybe not for a few choice members of this class….  Guy in the front row in the bike shorts?  Yeah I’m talking to you. You, shirtless guy on my left with the Grecian Ideal Body, and the Buddhist tattoo however, have my vote.  It would be completely acceptable for you to be part of the elite team I would select for my clothes-less Yoga team.
As we collectively scoot into Warrior two…all the people on the right  side of the room get to look at my ass. All I can say is, good thing I bought these pants right? I mean just in case that guy that called me for the first time at 2 am ON THANKSGIVING comes to class again.  Wouldn’t want to give him the wrong impression or anything. I look to the front of the class up over my outstretched fingers, and  I can hear our teacher saying, “Look ahead. Yes, that’s right. nipples to the wall.”  I have the same giggly reaction to this that I had in the fifth grade when people would say “Your epidermis is showing!” And all I can think when I look at him is, man,  You have probably seen A LOT of camel toes.

Yoga is tough. ( See above)  The biggest challenge for me is not letting my mind wander from eagle and crow and various other animal inspired poses, to the work day ahead.  Which is extremely difficult.  But, feasible.   You really don’t want to be thinking about  that email you forgot to respond to  as you ease into crow.  You will most certainly end up with your a stamp of hardwood on your forehead.  Not a pretty way to start your day.  Which is really why I am here… right?

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