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Sometimes a new experience hits you like a load of bricks, forever changing your worldview. And sometimes you can cycle through the same episodes over and over and still be stuck in your misguided oblivion. Every break-up, drunken mistake, and awkward interview teaches you more about yourself and how you can effectively deal with life situations — you just have to realize the lessons and actually implement them.

And sometimes…you do all you can, and you still feel like a kid.

When I look at my life a year ago and I look at my life now, it’s easy to see that my world has totally shifted. Now that I’ve graduated and have been thrown into the “real world” of job interviews and dating and paying bills, of attending engagement parties and company parties, I’ve been confronted with things I’ve never had to deal with. Like, for instance, being asked what my salary expectations are for the potential job in an industry in which I’ve never worked. Or being asked “Who wants to do shots?!” by the girl in marketing at the company after-party. Or being asked on a date by a guy, and for the first time thinking “Do I want to go on a date with you? I have options” rather than “OMIGOD A BOY LIKES ME YES YES LET’S GO OUT!” Or asking myself what I really want.
But honestly, for all my wisdom, this life isn’t getting any easier. I realize how much I’ve grown and changed, how well-adjusted I am now. But the more I learn about myself, the more I learn how oblivious I am, how young I still feel.

It took me only a couple of awkward interviews to fully grasp the ins and outs of the hiring process…but that still didn’t land me a job. It took me just a few extra cocktails to locate the not-so-thin line of appropriate behavior at work functions…but I’m still avoiding a few co-workers who witnessed my tequila-induced Lady Gaga impression. And it took me only a few one-night-stands to realize that I want more in my life than meaningless sex — but that didn’t really help me master the concept of “waiting”.

I’m glad that I went through all the tough times — I’m sure, given the chance to go back, the me from the past would do anything, ANYTHING, to avoid all the shit I’ve put myself through for the past 12 months, but I know I’ve learned my lessons.
The only problem now is…well, there’s so much left for me to learn, and so much I want to learn. Which inevitably means more break-ups, drunken mistakes, and awkward interviews.
I’m dreading it all, but at the same time…I can’t wait.

Does that make me a masochist?

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