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by Andi Licious

I thought I was the Big Choister in these parts.

Turns out, my husband is in the alluring throes of Choister-ific seduction, namely that he wants to “explore other options and be on his own for awhile.”

This leaves me with a few options.

First of all, I am moving out.  I have a place secured for July 1, and am going on a week-long trip to New Orleans and Corvallis, OR, to see friends as of June 6, which leaves three and a half weeks of staying with local pals and fending for myself.  Moving out was my choice; I have more friends with couch beds than he does and I need the emotional relief of being away from our “love nest.”

Second, we plan to still see each other.  Neither of us is willing right now to completely cut the other off, as we have spent the last five years together. He plans to see other people, and if things get too heavy then he’ll tell me.  If he’s just getting things out of his system, we could possibly reunite in a month or so, live apart but committed.  If not, we won’t.

For my part, I could see other people.  Right now, I chose not to, because I’m not interested in filling a void, hiding from my pain, or justifying what he is up to.  Perhaps I will meet someone at the laundromat (I’ll be going to laundromats now, no more laundry in the building) who will change my mind, and if that happens, well, then it happens.

My ambivalence is fed by many questions: what is out there relationship-wise for people with off-beat personalities? I have no doubt that I am the whole package: attractive, humorous, intelligent, compassionate.  Yet I am also hungry for experience, searching, curious, indecisive, and unsettled.  I was willing to be all of these things beside someone. He was not.

Being a perfect or less-than-perfect package doesn’t make relationships cake.  So who has successful marriages or long-term commitments? Are happily married people calmer, less faceted people than I am? Do the men drink, smoke, or cheat their way to contentment? Or are there artistic folks craving growth and excitement who can still make a life commitment in the midst of millions of options at the height of their success? Here lies the crux of the matter.  When you have the world at your fingertips, do you give in to love? Is love ever enough, or is it more a shared vision that sustains relationships and takes love to the next level: compatibility?

I’m sensing a blog topic emerging.

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