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Commitment Phobic? Maybe, Just Maybe, I Have Valid Reasons For Staying Single

Submitted by Shana on April 19, 2010 – 4:46 amComments

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My mother informed me this weekend that I am a commitment phobe.  Gee, thanks, Mom.  I do have to admit that this revelation is not surprising to me, but her reason for thinking I’m a commitment phobe is not as simple as she believes.

Mama Loven (as she’s affectionately called by several of my friends) thinks that I am not over my ex-boyfriend.  Sure, my first love is partially the reason I don’t want to be in a relationship- I have to acknowledge that I am afraid of getting hurt again.  I do, however, remember when things were excellent between him and I and that makes me want to fall in love again- who doesn’t want to feel like anything is possible?  I have to confess though that my reasons for not wanting a relationship outweigh the desire for couple-dom.

My reasons for avoiding romantic entanglements are actually more complex than something as banal as not being over an ex.  The foremost reason is that I honestly don’t have the time.  My life is hectic; I’ll soon be working three jobs, plus writing for this website, and hopefully going back to school in the fall.  Time-wise, I just don’t have a lot of spare time for a boyfriend and what time I do have, well, I want for myself, which leads to my second point against couple-dom.

I don’t want to make time for a boyfriend- I’m way too selfish right now.  There are so many things that I want to do on this crazy journey called Life.  I want to travel.  I want to write.  I want to go back to school.  I want my twenties to be about finding myself as an individual, so I can fully be a part of a couple when the time is right.  I think too many people get involved in a relationship thinking that being with someone is going to complete them, but I think that’s the worst reason to be with someone.  My theory is that it’s important to be alone to figure out where you stand when it comes to life and love.  What are you bringing to the table in a relationship if you don’t know who you are and what makes you tick?  I want to know who I am as an individual before I fall in love again.

My final point is that I simply don’t want a boyfriend.  I think I just committed a major societal faux pas by admitting that out loud.  I’m 25-years-old and I’m happy being single.  Yes, I want the whole kit and caboodle someday: career, husband, and kids.  Right now, though, my desire to be independent outweighs my desire to be someone’s girlfriend.  Is choosing to be single really that bad?

I guess all of this makes me commitment phobic by society’s standards.  I’m sure that some people will say that I’ve rationalized my phobia, but I think that my reasons for being single are valid.  As for society and what people will think of my reasoning, well, to quote Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

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