SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Bikram yoga is beneficial to your health.  Bikram yoga causes Pliability, Strength, Detoxification, Lowers Blood Pressure, and May Complicate Your Zen.  The Surgeon General has determined that practicing Bikram as little as once a week will cause health benefits.

Please be warned that Bikram consists of 26 poses, each designed to stretch, strengthen, and bring focus to a different part of your aching body.  Bikram takes place in a room that is heated to 105 degrees Fahrenheit and will feel curiously similar to being broiled in an oven.  Over the longest hour and a half of your life, you will sweat so profusely that the water composing your body will drop to -5%.  Bikram pits your limbs against each other, putting the arms at war with the legs until you feel as if the hidden WMD in your lower back is going to explode.  Bikram requires you to support your hulking body weight all on one single leg and to hold it without blinking for terrifying lengths of time up to one full minute.  On each side.  Twice.
Bikram is a growing problem in the United States, rapidly becoming more threatening and prevalent than H1N1.  Studios offering it can be found everywhere and the Danse Macabre routine is the same at each location.  Nor is Bikram discriminatory about its victims.  You may have been misled to believe that it only feeds on hippies and yogis, however it can seize anyone at any stage in their life, showing complete disregard for age, injuries, or weight.  It can be tailored to suit any victim.

Now if this warning has not been enough to deter you, I laud your obvious sadism.  I must, however, leave you with this last caution: once you try Bikram, there is no turning back.  Though during the class you may think back and exclaim to yourself “why didn’t I listen, if only I had not been so foolish!” A mysterious urge will stir you to return to the fiery pits and twist into nonsensical shapes and at that point you will be simply another life claimed by a Bikram addiction.

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