Against all logic, I have a car in New York City. Forget that the subway or a bus can get me virtually anywhere I need to go – for no reason at all, I keep my car here. Rephrase: I keep my car here for a very bad reason – I’m lazy. I use it when I have to truck out to Queens or deep into Brooklyn, or anytime I’ve gotta haul equipment to go play a show, but there’s usually no reason I can’t use public transportation instead. The thing is, I don’t do it often enough to make having the car worthwhile. My whole keeping-it-here-to-be-lazy thing totally backfires because I have to move the car pretty much every day to avoid getting tickets. Which, because I’m lazy, I’m not very good at.

And because this is New York City, I can’t park it anywhere near my apartment. Instead, I need to park it on an overpass about five blocks away that my roommate lovingly calls “the shit bridge,” due to the truly amazing amount of dog (and people?) poop that can be found there. (Seriously people, pick up your dog’s poop. I know it’s gross, but that’s what you get for keeping a wild animal in a city.) To recap, slight convenience of car + parking tickets + five block shit-filled hike = total hassle. All of this I can bear, because it’s my choice. I don’t complain. (Well, I do complain - I’m complaining now - but that’s just my charming personality.)

What I can’t bear is when some punk smashes my window and goes rifling through my glove box in search of, I don’t know, gold or something. Note to criminals - I don’t have any gold, and if I did, I wouldn’t keep it in my car parked on the shit bridge. Don’t break into my car unless you want to steal my parking tickets and old McDonald’s cups. Check that - don’t break into my car anyway. You just cost me $335 in repairs.

It’s not like I drive a Benz or anything. What about my filthy, beat-up old Honda made you think it’d be worth breaking into? Should I hang a sign on the window? “Car carries less than $5 in change.” Would that keep you away? What if I just left my windows open, or even my doors? Then you wouldn’t have to smash anything. Does that work for you?

Note to criminals - Stop. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Share this Post!