I got a random IM today. It pops up:

6:01:17 PM UKNOWN SENDER – “creeper” has sent you 1 IM(s).

What the? Seriously? Creeper? It’s not bad enough at the bars; now they’ve found me online too?! ::deep breath:: It’s time for some tough love, guys. Some of you are CREEPERS.

Not all of you, before you think I’m just man-bashing, but you nice guys know too – you’ve all had occasion to have to tell some weirdo to “Get lost” on behalf of a lady friend, or danced near/with her to keep that creepy guy away. There seem to be more of them than usual lately; I’m inclined to blame the reality star celebri-douches for making it look socially acceptable to be, for lack of a better phrase, a total dick. Allow me to clear up some of the more unacceptable behaviors I’ve experienced myself or seen firsthand that you may falsely believe women find attractive, so that the next time you see some fabulous ladies out on the town, we can all have a good time.

Behavior #1 – Hissing at me out of car windows, and offering me rides. I’m not an animal, and the get-in-the-car-with-strangers boat sailed about 20 years ago. That’s not how you pick up a woman, that’s how you kidnap a woman.

Behavior #2 –Ah, the bars. The likelihood of creepers increases with every drink. Here lurk the “Too-Drunk-To-Take-The-Most-Blatant-Discouragement Stalkers.” Men: You should move on after asking once or twice: progressing from “no thanks” to “I’m all set” to “You need to leave us alone now” and changing locations is not us “playing hard to get,” it’s an actual “f**k off.” Glad we settled that.

Behavior #3 – Being deathly malodorous. Smelling exactly like the time my drunk-ass friend left a Wendy’s bag of onions she picked off her sandwich in my car all night is really not the impression you want to be making. Can I get a Bro Code call on that? If there is no rule stating that a bro should immediately inform another bro when his cloud of sour, sweaty b.o. is choking everyone in the vicinity, there should be!

Behavior #4 – Aggressive groping.  There’s grinding, and then there’s attempting to get some on the dance floor. This ain’t the Jersey Shore, kid. Cool out.

So there you have the basics – learn them, live them, love them, and make a resolution to be less creepy in 2011. Remember: Only you can prevent creepiness.

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