“I’m fine,” I told her. And I was.
Tina nodded her approval and everyone moved on. I cried less. And no one even needed to ask if I was okay, but if they did, I knew the correct answer.
Gradually, though, I made it my mantra- calling on those two little words as a default- particularly when they weren’t true.
They led me through several situations, where I gritted my teeth and told no anything other than “I’m fine.”
Even in my late twenties I catch myself falling back on what I know and expecting to be warded off at the slightest hint of vulnerability. “I’m fine,” I say, no matter what is really going on.
I can’t help but look back and see how I would have been spared from several negative ongoing situations if I hadn’t felt it necessary to be “fine” in the public eye. I’d go into it, but I also prefer not to be seen as bitter as well.
Read the full story »Rather self-explanatory…
From the makeouts to the breakups, and everything in between.
How to make it and keep it, and what it feels like to do neither.
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Cubicles, commutes and finding a way to do what you love.
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If it’s true you should write what you know, I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. It occurred to me that I perhaps don’t understand as much about myself as I’d assumed. Exhibit A: The preposterous wave of emotion that flooded over me when I recently found myself knee-deep in grad school materials. As it happens, the job I “fell into” thanks to the referral of a dear friend has become something so important to me, that the idea of abandoning it in the continued pursuit of what I’d originally aspired for feels incredibly unnerving and almost nonsensical.
My most recent writing exists as a testament to my personal pursuit of happiness and it seems silly to move forward on such a project without a clear vision of exactly what I’m after. What do I want to be happy? Moreover, what do I need?
In all honesty, I do want to be a doctor. Med school is all I’ve thought of for so long, though, and it seems that in the interim, the pool of alternate possibilities I’ve stifled is now bubbling over for attention. What of my family? Deep down, am I still that timid prep schooler trudging along towards law school like Daddy’s little girl ought to do? Every year for as long as I can remember, at least one academic instructor has suggested I consider writing as a career, yet I stubbornly refuse, in earnest chase of something my own.
The first school season since my graduation is already in full swing and I feel somewhat misplaced when left alone, with only gravity for direction.
…But in spite of there being no need to look forward to the summer months, adults still to. We still have a slight gleeful tone in our voices when talking about summertime….
“Journeys end in lovers meeting”
Shakespeare said that, so I believe it to be true. Once you’ve been on a journey and really learned something new, you’re ready to start a new journey. I just wish most of my journeys lasted longer than the walk of shame home in the morning.
I discovered in a lengthy New York Times article the other day, that the ‘Choister’ phase is beginning to be recognised as a legitimate stage of development, known as ‘emerging adulthood’. This term was coined …
Since high school, since we each received our first cell phones, my sister, Sara, and I have left rediculous voicemails for each other. From songs like “I Like Big Butts” to choice clips by Britney Spears that sound hilarious when taken …
August lingers whilst it threatens its inevitable end; weary of its unsustainable bliss we complain about the heat and pretend we haven’t succumbed to a more peaceful pace of life, finally relaxed enough to read an entire novel or go to the movies twice a month without guilt.
Face full of verve, head full of ideas, he lived with a smirk out the right corner of his mouth. He knew the hardships of survival in Russia. Knew the hardships of survival in Oregon.
This weekend, I was out at a bar with some friends when I drunkenly stumbled into a guy who looked strangely familiar. We began chatting and despite my hangover-in-the-making, we actually had a coherent conversation. However, despite the good vibes, he unabashedly peppered the conversation with a steadfast motto: “You’re not getting my number.”
I never really realized how much I enjoy reality television until someone said “You love reality TV, huh?” Honestly, I was offended at first but then I realized how true it was.
One thing …
“Journeys end in lovers meeting”
Shakespeare said that, so I believe it to be true. Once you’ve been on a journey and really learned something new, you’re ready to start a new journey. I just wish most of my journeys lasted longer than the walk of shame home in the morning.
