Stuff I Want
The prospect of having anything I want is one of the most equally thrilling and terrifying thoughts I let run through my fantasy ridden brain. I play out the various sources of enviable wealth and never ending romantic love and happiness with the usual situations most commonly called upon to endorse these fantasies; lottery wins, massive inheritance courtesy of a long lost, unknown relative, swift and successful career, love at first sight, a man that really understands me who I met at yoga, and the list goes on and on.
This is all well and good, but what happens when I realize the corrupt foundations of society are about to crumble and take all of my superficial dreams along with them? That having the perfect apartment perfect boyfriend perfect body perfect life really doesn’t exist? Yeah, I got that. I think I understood that after many a failed attempt at obtaining these things. But, I still want them. I still wish for a situation better than my current one. I still hope for love, and success, and happiness. I still pine after designer creations and torture myself with style.com every season. I make folders on my desktop strictly for items I desire. And update it weekly. Pride, lust, greed, and debauchery continue to haunt my existence, even as I understand that these negative things do not get me any closer to the positive things I claim I want. So, here’s what I’ve determined. The stuff I want in life means nothing if I have it. The desire is always better than the possession. I don’t need love, or a Rick Owens leather jacket to be a complete person. I can watch my beloved period films, and shop at sample sales for a while until I play and win the mega millions and fall head over heels for the modern man version of Tristan from Legends of the Fall who also happens to like Balenciaga.
This rationalization is complete bullshit, but if I don’t have the ability to provide unsubstantiated hope for myself, who does?