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Last week I had the pleasure of finally (after 5 years) attending the commencement of my own graduation. After moving my tassle from left to right (or was it right to left?) and tossing my cap into the air, I found myself, for the first time since I was two years old, a truly free woman.

Gone are the days of books and papers, pencils and notebooks. September is just a month now instead of a beginning. An as I sit here, at the end of it all, I wonder…what am I going to do now?!

I’ve taken to calling it Post-Grad Depression. I’ve given birth to a wonderful baby diploma and now I stare at it and I wonder what I could possibly do with it. It’s not as though I want to go back to school, after five years I can’t imagine anything I would like less than more college, however the idea of not going to school is absolutely terrifying. What else do I know?

I’ve spent the past week wandering my parent’s house like a ghost, attempting to plan my future to no avail. How do you plan something so big? It’s overwhelming. My first instinct (which I assume is the right one) is to get a job that pays more than my part time foray into retail. But what then? I assume there’s more to life than just a job. There’s marriage, there’s kids, there’s all these things I can now do now that I no longer have school, right?

Of course, this is me getting ahead of myself. I’ve been graduated for less than a week, of course this doesn’t mean that I’m honor bound to get engaged and pop out a few kids. What’s scary is that it’s now all possible. And this isn’t to say that it wasn’t possible before,  though to me it sort of was. I no longer have the excuse of “I can’t fall in love, I need to study for midterms”. What was once considered frivolous a distraction from classes and exams, can now be played for keeps, and that’s just in the game of love! This isn’t even touching on the big pictures of careers, mortgages, paying taxes and everything like that.

However, how can such things fill me with fear and depression? Should this newfound freedom not fill me with joy? I’m a choicester, I love choices, so how come, when faced with a newfound overabundance of choice I’m now chock full of terror and sadness?

Possibly because, like all choicesters, I love the idea of having choices, choices are great! Choices are my favorite!

It’s making them that are terrifying.

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