Obstacles and Muddled Memories
I have trust issues. It’s such a lame excuse for my inability to have a successful relationship, but it’s true.
The origins are unclear. I mean, it’s not as if my early experience with relationships was all that positive (my first “relationship” was in 5th grade and involved a drama with my return from my grandmother’s funeral to my “boyfriend” “dating” a new girl, and my next crush chose my best friend over me at an altogether too public setting), but I don’t give much credibility to my memories from that far back… I conveniently forgot about that time I told a girl who’s now one of my best friends that she wasn’t cool enough to wear a shirt that I also owned, so I can’t really trust myself not to have left out one side of any story.
The first relationship of which my memory might be more than half-accurate was with a guy who was not only crush-worthy but also a friend, and I still had no idea how to get past my history, real or imagined, of being publicly rejected. As soon as there seemed like there was a possibility of it happening, I ran. I’ve kept that little practice up ever since, which has had an oh-so-positive effect on my love life. You’d think after 6 years of this I would have learned to stand still long enough for things to get past the mind-games stage of a relationship, but all I’ve managed to absorb in 6 years is how to keep up facades and make really good Sex and the City references.
To be fair, I’ve gotten better. I’ve had semi-successful, if not Facebook-official, relationships with all kinds of soul-exposing and fear-admitting. But more importantly, being picky about who I trust has allowed me to become friends with amazing people who don’t let me forget to keep trying.