Breaking the Rules
I’m the kind of person who puts guys on a shelf. Not in the sit-back-and-admire-them kind of way… more in the, “I can’t be with you now because of (distance, age, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc), but maybe one day,” kind of way.
I’m not proud. I’m not ashamed. It hasn’t really caused any problems. It’s probably not ideal, but it is what it is.
It is what it is until I break my own rules and let something happen.
Here it goes: I had feelings for a guy that was always one of my someday guys. We got a little drunk (maybe more than a little drunk), and I woke up wrapped in his arms. We spent the next few days falling into something fast. Then a little over 72 hours after our first kiss, I was watching him run into the airport and return to his life. Then a little over 72 hours later, I was on a plane returning to mine. In a different country. In a different world.
I don’t regret what happened; it was pretty amazing. But I’m back to my life, and my only connection to him is to fall back into the memories of our tryst. We’ve never admitted our feelings for each other outside of the context of those few days, so my memories of him in my real life don’t fit with the feelings I have for him now. I’m not going to see him for six months, and then, again, probably only for a few days. And who knows what will have changed by then. Maybe I’ll meet someone else. Maybe he’ll meet someone else. Maybe we don’t work out of the bizarre world we found ourselves in that week.
There’s nothing to be said or done about it, which makes it harder to account for the feelings I have for him. I’m not planning on hopping over an ocean to recreate anything, not that it doesn’t sound appealing, and I’m fairly certain he’s not planning any such venture, either. We’ve been keeping in touch, which probably won’t last long. It’s adoring but hesitant; neither of us is sure it’s particularly healthy.
Maybe in a few weeks the memories will fade and I’ll move onto other people, other things. I’m doing my best to accept the reality of the situation, even though it never really felt like reality. But even though it hurts a little that I can’t wake up in his arms tomorrow, I did get a few days of waking up in his arms, which wouldn’t have ever happened had I stuck to my rule. And it was worth it. Thus, I have a new resolution to stop waiting for the right time or the right place, and just let the right moment run its course.