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Attempting a Diet

Submitted by Laura Horton on August 17, 2010 – 3:04 amComments

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You know those movie scenes when prisoners or people stranded on desert islands get food, and they have those just straight-up animalistic grunts and snorts of pleasure as they pick at their meals like apes picking fleas out of their friends’ hair?  I just had a moment like that.

You see, I’m trying to be all good and diet for the start of school.  Not because I think I’m fat, but because my jean just don’t fit as well as last year.  It doesn’t concern me, per se, but, you know, meh.  So anywayz.  I’m being super diligent – started on Monday excluding the vacation I was on last week when I pigged out because vacation calories don’t count.  Except they do, which, you know, you realize when you pull up on the beltloops of your jeans and then the beltloops start to rip off.  Not cool.

Right.  But I had fruit for breakfast, and a couscous salad thing for lunch, and then I decided I needed a snack because my stomach is metabolizing air and it hurts me. So I wandered into the kitchen for a yogurt.  But then, sitting on top of the yogurt was the beautiful display of chickpea leftover goodness that I’d ever seen.  And, since it was intended for my lunch but then I skipped lunch, it’s probably going to be my dinner.  So I figured I’d get a head start.

And I took my forefinger and my thumb, and just like those claw games at the arcade, my hand hovered above the plate and then carefully lowered itself to pick up an single chickpea, which I proceeded to gobble up.  No, really.  Gobble.  Like… the noise I made whilst consuming said chickpea… I recognized that noise.  And you know who made it last time I heard it? Snafu

That’s right.

The late and great Portuguese Water Dog.

Picture 2

And as I made that sound, I looked sadly down at my not-quite-toned arms and sighed.  And then went right back for more chickpeas.

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